Days of Surviving Mode

bentar Dibaca

 I realized that I have not written in this blog since two years ago. I doesn't mean I stopped to write, but I have another platform to write about my feelings and thoughts. I don't feel secure when I put my personal life here even though this is my personal blog. But, I think it's better for me not to put mine here. 

I decided to start journaling since I don't have someone to talk with. I mean, it's better for me to keep my problems just on my mind. I just think that people around me actually didn't care about me, except my family. Also, It's not easy for me to sharing my mind to others. I have some thoughts that not everyone can't wear my shoes. Based on that situations, I started journaling. 

So, today is Saturday. I have some problem with time management lately. I couldn't focus to work and easily distracted by something. It made me anxious even though my deadline is still on track. Last month, I lost one of my job, my full time job (but not main job) as supervisor for Indonesian government. My boss didn't continue my contract and my position is taken over by a woman who work with me in non-profit organization. I know about her capability and I'm sure that my boss has made wrong decision hiring this woman. I know that I'm more capable than her, but ya, you will always being a loser if your boss doesn't like you personally. It's not the first time he tried to rid off me because last year he did it but failed. I still feel disappointed, but life must go on. After I knew that I wouldn't work on there again, I'm back to my own business, finishing my projects that's still running.

Let's be back to journaling. Journaling also helps me to live in present moment. Live in present moment makes us happier, right? Last weeks, I feel worried about my future especially my job. I worried about if there was no clients after my projects ended. I feel stuck like there is no another way especially after I lost my full time job.  All the thoughts came into my life and destroyed my time management for few days. So, I reset my plans and start to make new opportunities. I have to grow a new business, so I can earn more money. 

Actually, I got inspiration about how to journaling from youtube channel, Zahid Ibrahim. Zahid made a video about morning pages that guide me to write a journal three pages in the morning before I distracted by other things. So, the purpose of three pages is about write the first things about what's on your mind after woke up in the morning. Me as a person who has weird thoughts and some anxious things in the morning, journaling helps me a lot. After I finished writing, almost 50% of my my bad thoughts, anxious and problems are like run away. It's really easy me dealing with all of them after force myself to write three pages in the morning. I know that all my problems are just on my mind, so it's easily gone after journaling. 

So, actually I have someone that made me fully grateful everyday. We're now processing to get to know each other and somehow as a woman, there is something that make me feel insecure and not enough. Somehow I feel anxious about this process, but I want to start this process as adult person. Last relationship, I didn't know how the right way to deal with my bad thoughts, so I threw mine to other person who close to me, especially my boyfriend. The situation made me so clingly and it easily made drama. I realized that not everyone getting ready to hearing me complains about my bad thoughts that I should be able to deal it by myself. I want to make healthier relationship with this man. So, If I got some bad thoughts, I will deal by myself first before sharing with him. Journaling helps me to filter what are the real problems or just my worries.